Medium sized condom…

 

I have always said, that life is the best author of comedy… and here is one example of something that happened to me long ago… but that still is a running gag

During university I had been working as a waiter in a big restaurant in Hamburg. It was kind of a dull job, but it was well paid and you got in touch with many different persons all the time. And you learn many things about gastronomy & restaurants… wich is also the reason I would never open one myself
So, there was me working there and one day… a very pretty girl in a red dress came in and sat alone at a table. She ordered a small salad (… as always…) and drank a white wine after that. She was the highlight of the whole place at that time of the day, so everybody (including the cook!) were staring at her. But… hehehe… I had an advantage: it was MY table . So, we began a small conversation and it turned out to be that she was new in the city and I offered to show her some places if she would just wait till my turn ended. She agreed and we had a cool afternoon cruising through the center of Hamburg. As days went by we met again and… as you may imagine… there came the moment, where we wanted to meet at night and see what happens.

I invited her to my place… wich, as usually, was in a complete chaos… so I used the time before to prepare everything: clean up the kitchen, the living room and make all a bit romantic… you never know!
As I finished cleaning all up, I started to check if all the "practical" thingies (candles, matches, wine, music, etc.) was available. Yes, indeed… all was there… but one thing: yes, the little helpers… those tiny, little rubber things you put on your friend in order to protect yourself and her, your account and your youth. Dammit, there were none in the bathroom, so I had to go out and get some.
I went to the pharmacy (as it had to be a special night… I did not want to get them from the "ugly" mashine in the street) and as it had to be… I was the only male person in there. Only women around me…  come on, I was only 19 and I was kind of embarrased to ask for them! Ok, I said to myself, just go to the desk, don´t look her in the eyes, ask for them, get them, pay and go out! So, I took all my bravery and went to the desk… not forgetting to look at all the other things in the shelves… just as if I wanted something else. At the end I was standing in front of the desk… no more other things to put my eyes on… and there SHE came… a "big momma"… she even had hairs on her lips!! Allthough I tried not to look her into the eyes… I felt the "evil" of her look to me… her mind penetrating my thoughts and discovering that I wanted to do something "dirty" tonight! I managed to rise my eyes and look at hers… and the following dialog occured:

"Eeerrr…. Hello…. I want some tooth-paste"
"Yes Sir, no problem… wich one?"
"The one with mint, please"
"Something else, Sir?"
She had a very loud voice, so everybody in the shop had noticed her talking to me…
"Well… some aspirins would be nice, please"
"You got them… something else?"
The moment had come… the evil was infront of me inviting me to war… would I be brave enough???
"Yes, I need some con… con… condoms!" I said with a very low voice…
"Sorry? I cannot hear you… what do you want?" she asked taking up her sword with fire in her eyes…
Every female customer in the shop now were concentrating on me… no other sounds around… just female eyes aching my back….
"I want CONDOMS!" I said aloud
That was it… I had entered the battle field! Showing no fear I had also raised my sword!
And then came her attack… she pulled the most dangerous weapons out… pointed them against me… and asked the question of the century:

"Wich size?"
Wich size?!?! Come on… you cannot be that cruel!! Her sword hit me right in the heart… I was bleeding… with my last energie I raised up again and pulled my shield up…
"Size? Well… eeeer… medium would be nice!"
She began to laugh out loud… everybody began to laugh… I felt all the lethal weapons killing me… and me dying…
"No Sir, I mean… you want a 3-, 5- or 10-Box?!" 
Well, at last I had shiny minty teeth that night… and just for the record: nothing happened.

Life tells the best stories…